Musings on Modesty (From a Barely-Not-a-Teen)

Clothing. Introduced after the fall, a necessity of life, and a matter of overwhelming complexity. There is no escape from the great American clothing argument. There is no escape from the uncomfortable fact that what you wear says volumes about who you are. First impressions are formed on your outer appearance and, whether we like it or not, people make initial assumptions about your personality, taste, and status based simply on the clothing you happen have hung on your body.

As women, the clothing issue bears special depth and significance. We are wonderfully crafted, intricately designed by a God who makes no mistakes. Our bodies are special and how we choose to cover (or uncover) those bodies is one of the oldest and hottest topics in Christian circles throughout the centuries.

Titus 2 commands older women to instruct younger women to be discreet and though the word “modest” doesn’t appear in this passage, modesty and discretion go hand in hand. So, how does one counsel young women who are wondering about modesty? Why are so many Christian girls struggling so much with this issue? I am no oracle, but as a young woman barely out of my teens I hope to throw a little perspective on what does and doesn’t work in the mind of a teenage girl.

Growing up in the homeschool community, I observed a number of families use a number of approaches to regulate clothing choices in their homes and I came to the conclusion that modesty is so much more than a shopping list or a user’s manual. It’s so much more than skirts vs. pants, inches in an inseam, or the cut of a shirt. Modesty touches at the very roots of our philosophy. It is a deep and weighty topic and should be handled as such.

You can’t hand a girl a list of ‘wears’ and ‘don’t wears’ and expect her to be modest. I’ve seen plenty of skirts that brush the floor and are definitely revealing. I’ve seen plenty of shirts that cover everything but still allure. If a young woman wants to attract, she will find a way. The rule book won’t prevent it.

You also can’t motivate a young woman to dress correctly simply by telling her that if she doesn’t she might cause a brother to stumble. This is not necessarily a bad argument in and of itself, but it should land farther down on the list of approaches than it often does. Telling a young woman who is just becoming conscious of her feminine charms ‘don’t wear this or guys will notice you’ is counter-productive—unless her philosophy is right. If her philosophy is right, then you shouldn’t need to use this argument at all. It should fall into place by itself.

In order to instill modesty in a young woman, to guarantee that she will continue to dress modestly once she leaves the guidance of her parent’s home, you must instill in her two vital beliefs. You must teach them to her at home and then apply them as you browse the racks at Target. When she leaves the home she must cherish two simple truths: God’s holiness and her own self-worth.

A young woman should have a strong sense of self-respect. If she views herself as a dignified, respectable woman, she will want to dress as a dignified, respectable woman. If she understands that her body is a special gift from God meant solely for her husband and her Savior, she will desire to guard it instead of visually giving herself cheaply to every man she passes on the sidewalk. She is a precious piece of artwork. She has value. She needs to understand that discretion in her clothing choices doesn’t make her a nerd, it makes her a self-possessed, respectable woman.

Finally, the more a young woman knows God in her heart, the more she reads his word and understands his character, the more she will love him and want to please him. As a young woman grows to love and value her God and begins to understand his spotless nature, she begins to see herself less and less and her God more and more. Her desire to by sexy or alluring fades out and her desire to reflect the holiness of her God grows. No need to give her a list of ‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’ because she has rooted her sense of modesty deep within her worldview, her philosophy of life, her view of God.

As a teenager, I had three particularly wonderful pastor’s wives and a particularly wonderful and beautiful mother. All of these women, though varying greatly in style, were examples of pretty, stylish dressers who never erred in their modesty. As a growing young lady they showed me that it is possible to look nice, fashionable, and beautiful without inappropriately showing off your body.

Not everyone has such examples in their lives, so be that example to the young women around you. Be the example of beautiful modesty to the girls in your church, your younger sisters, your roommates. Don’t make modesty an easy fix list or a guilt trip, make it a part of who you are and teach them to make it a part of who they are. Only when the roots of modesty reach deep into the worldview will we see a change in dressing patterns. So don’t tell girls to dress modestly; teach them to be modest as a part of who they are—beautiful, dignified, children of the Most High.